Monday, December 8, 2014

When I am weak

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For when I am weak, then I am strong.

I started to struggle the other day. I had several things get interrupted or just would not work. My health issues have kept me from working for income, for the last eight years and money is very tight. My right eye would not focus. The bus is on hold while we wait for enough more funds to buy it (I don't want to think of title and taxes). Despite the sunny day outside, I was feeling dismal.

While thinking there was no wind in our sails, a verse came to mind. "For when I am weak, then I am strong" 2Cor. 12:10. While looking for that reference, I came across 1 Cor. 1:27, "God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong". I was getting the message that it was God's plan for me to NOT be able to work out the means in which "I" could get things done. In this I am reminded that, "For MY thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways MY ways".  I have to let go of the reins, to let God move in His time and way. A lesson that has come many times in my life but have not yet mastered.

There will need to be a sequence to how I use my limited energy. Do I pursue getting the bus registered as an RV, to reduce the license and insurance? Do I tackle the oil leak so it can be driven if needed? Do we put in hours getting connected to an agency for our mission work or go out solo? All are valid needs, if Home Missions is the path Jehovah has set for us.

Today I am just staying in bed. My muscles feel like I just finished running several miles, something I have not done in the last eight years. I miss the quiet time of jogging while in prayer and praise. Shuffling down a lonely dirt road, just God and I, was a holdover from being a drill sergeant at "Boot Camp". It was an anchor in an unstable world. Another thing that "Mito" has stolen away.

The losses which mitochondrial disease has imposed on my life make me simultaneously angry and sad. Being now 56 years of age, I've had many years of living independently, until January of 2007, when Mito arrived in a flash. I now have to rely on the kindness of family and friends. I know that there will come a day when I will need to stop driving. I hope to keep on preaching and teaching, yet I know my mind is getting clouded, and words will sometimes not come out of my mouth. I am thankful for my harmonicas, as my singing voice is limited to one or two verses of one song.

The promise remains though, "when I am weak, then I am strong". I am convinced that God is planning to work in me because I "can't do" stuff. "Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ", Philippians 1:6. I know that everything we have or do is from Him. In taking away, He is going to do greater than I could do if I was healthy. I could be His vessel of honor if I put my trust in His power. "Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them: because greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world" 1 John 4:4. It will always be a struggle to not try to do in my strength, even if my strength is small.